Do you feel this?

Do you feel this?

As we talked through the day,

about our ambitions

and dreams that never sway. 

Do you feel this?

When it all collapsed?

When I was the one 

who kept you intact.

Do you feel this?

When you're lost and you're tired,

that in every waking hour

you lose a bit to the darkness

But do you feel it?

I'm slipping away.

Because of all those times

you didnt do what you say.

I'm getting tired

because the emptiness

is beginning

To creep up on me

And it's pretty agonizing.

And I feel it.

I'm slipping

Giving in to fate. 

Feelings.

I have never felt so confused in my entire life.

I have been trying to figure out, how do you know if you really love someone? Butterflies fluttering in your stomach? Getting caught at your throat when you talk to him/her? I honestly do not know.

I have been convinced by myself that the person I like is person A, not person B. But I keep finding myself doing stuff for person B unintentionally. Like everytime I do something for someone, for example write a card for any weird reasons, I find myself writing one for person B as well. I do stuff willingly just to please person B. I am so scared that I will piss person B off that I never want to tell him that he is doing something wrong. I just can't.

To me, he has become such an important part of me that I have to hide what I feel for him, just so we can be purely friends as he is attached. I simply can't leave him alone.

And no matter how much he hurts me, no matter how much he stops caring for me, I just can't find it in myself to stop caring for him. I just can't find it in myself to leave him alone especially after all that he has been through. There are so many people around him honestly, but the thing is he says they are all unreal. 

I wonder if that's what he thinks of me too.

I thought I got over my infatuation for him. Apparently not.

Death

Death.

What does it feel like?
Is it darkness that holds nothing else but peace?
Is it silence that makes you relieve?

I know it is a bit too early. My life has barely begun and Im thinking about this. Let me get this straight, I am not suicidal. I just.. Think about it. All of us have a lot of fears. But I guess all our common fear is death. If someone insists they are not afraid, they must have not been on the brink of their death bed.

I, for one, have definitely not been there, hopefully I wont be for awhile. But I have always thought about how I would leave this world. Cancer? Accident? Old age? What other reasons are there? Suicide is definitely off my list considering the fact that I am a Christian and I believe when it is time, God will bring me back to him.

When my troubles get to me, all I yearn for is some time alone, complete darkness and silence. Then I can listen to my own heartbeat, listen to my own mind. Make my own choices. So I guess, it is similar to being dead, just for a few minutes.

I haven't exactly seen someone take their last breath before leaving this world to join Him at home. Is it suppose to be a blink of relieve? That they are finally going home to Our Father? Is it suppose to be a shot of gratefulness? That they are finally leaving this tearful place we call earth?

In anyways, earth is only a temporary place for us to live in. Death is something everyone has to consider, no matter what. We don't all worry about it because to us, younger people, we think that we won't die so young. Accidents to us don't exist. But it does. We never know what is going to happen tomorrow. Today might be the last day you see the person next to you. Because you never know when he/she is going off. You might wake up to a call, realising that someone who means the most to you has alrd left.

To side track a little, is the only time a person is considered dead the time they stop breathing and their heart stops beating? To me, a person is considered dead when he or she stops caring. Let me explain it further. The entire point of living is to explore yourself as a person and explore the world out there. Many of us would also think that the entire point of living is exploring love. When you get hurt enough, regardless by whatever, you feel like you are suffocating in the misery. You cant breathe. You feel like you are drowning in a sea of tears. Click. And then you flip the switch. You stop caring. Stop wishing he would call. You stop dressing yourself up. You stop trying to impress.

You. Just. Stop.

That is when you are dead.
Actually this is worse than death. Death brings you peace, a sigh of relieve that all your tough life is finally gone. You finally don't have to please anyone on purpose anymore. But this. Its like you are a breathing corpse. You live and walk. You breathe and eat, but you no longer smile. You don't trust. You simply Do Not Care.

I guess that is why some people commit suicide. Because at one point in time, they simply cant take society anymore. They simply do not have enough to count on. They simply cant find the reason to live and death seems like a simpler choice.

Yes. Death provides you with so many things living can't. But, because living is tough. The journey is rough. That's why along the way you make friends and so many memories. Treasure them. Because those are the people who are going to get you through your life.

Live a good life.
So that eventually when you return to being an angel, you will be remembered.
Death isn't a scary thing. It reminds you to live. To live life to the fullest.

"Nobody said it was going to be easy."

Perfection.

Looking back at so many things that has happened for the past few years, my definition of perfect boyfriend has thoroughly changed. 

I use to have so many conditions so many different qualities I look for in a guy. 

He must love sports, be tall, be sweet, just your typical fantasy Prince Charming. 

Just today, I was just chilling in a café, watching old videos and reading old articles. I read about an incident whereby a guy hit a girl. I got really upset. Let me get this straight alrightz? I have always and will continue to detest guys who uses violence on girls. I mean, hello?! Guys tend to have more muscles, so basically is taking advantage of the weak?!

Anyways, then I started thinking, like really thinking, about my definition of perfect. Must it really be tall? Hot? Sporty? Sweet? Crazy like me? Awesome? Funzzz? 

While in my train of deep thoughts, I was listening to some deep songs(HAHA) and something just clicked. 

No conditions are needed.

He doesn't have to be hot. He doesn't have to be fun. He doesn't have to be sporty. As long as I am comfortable with him. 

Feelings are all that counts.

But remember, feelings change as people change. What you feel at the start might change for the better or for the worse. So be sure that you are ready. Because before Prince Charming, there are going to be a few toads pretending to be Prince Charming trying to cheat your feelings. 

there will always be someone out there, so never give up on love because it will never give up on you.

Life

Have you ever wondered?
What happened to those who said they would be there forever?
What happened to all those who created memories with you and promise to continue through forever?
What happened?

Well, it is all part and parcel or life that  at one point in time, everyone loses someone or someONES. To be honest, it sucks like hell. When you lose some people, you start to feel insecure.
Is it me?
Am I doing something wrong?
It is time for me to forgive and forget?

No. It is not. I spend half of my short 15 years of life trying to please others. Be friends with people I don't like because of my friends. That's not going to be it this time round. I am going to be who I want to be and be friends with who I want to. Not getting influenced by others.

Society has been implementing this thought of obedience and monophobia. We might not realise it, but society HAS been affecting us in one way or another. Monophobia, it is a fear of being alone. All of us are scared of being alone. We are afraid of being out casted by our friends. Yeah I know that. Personally I was and still am guilty of that. But, I've learnt to be confident with who I truly am. Don't hide any part of yourself, because He made you this way for a special reason. For a special group of people. You might not have met them as you are reading this post, because while writing this, I don't even know where I belong. But keep searching. Keep waiting. Because one day, with a special group of people, you will find your place. Like the last piece of a puzzle. Perfect.

But before that, you probably have to deal with much insecurities and many fake friends. You would probably have to deal with judgements and tears. But what I am here to say is, don't fear my friend. Because all these will be gone the minute you find true friends. All the battle scars will disappear into thin air. All will be worth it.

Sometimes, you might not have realised how lucky you are because while you are searching up and down for friends that fit your list of 'perfect friends', by your side, you might have already have a group of friends by your side when you fall back.

I did admit that I don't know where I belong. But tbh, I have a couple of friends who has always been by me, no matter how close or drifted we are now, I have to say I am lucky to have them.

I am rich, not with money but with friends and I am grateful. Because some people are so poor that all they have is money.  -Benjamin Kheng

Though many of your friends might have grown and left you as time has gone by. But still remember to thank them. Because they were once part of your life. And they once helped you grow and mature into who you are today.

Lift your head and keeping walking Princess/Prince(: Don't let your Tiara/Crown fall.

Darkness.

There are many things that darkness symbolises and well, what darkness symbolises to me would be peace.

Yes, many people associate with bad things. Fear, evil and what not. But don't darkness also symbolises silence? Peace?

To be honest, I like the night more than the day. I like the silence and comfort that the night provides compared to the bustling, bright days. The stars and the moon have always been able to capture my attention compared to the bright sun.

Yes, darkness is always associated with Satan while the light has always been associated with God. But, no. This does not mean that I have to love what the society expects me to love or what the society thinks it is right to love. Because after all, God created both day and night. God created both dark and light. It isn't wrong for me to embrace the dark more than the light.

But sometimes, in the midst of loving the dark and silence, I lose myself to my train of thoughts and my depressed self. I lose myself and I don't know how to get back. I look at myself in the mirror and think, what was I thinking? how could he love someone like me. How could I ever be good enough for him. I look and think, it would be a miracle anyone would think that I look good.

But the thing is, God performs miracles. He puts someone special in my life. A friend. A friend that has never left me, despite the pain I caused. And I am grateful. Because at times when I lose myself, he brings me back. He reminds me of why I am beautiful, that I am perfect in my own little imperfections and it just takes the right person to see it. He tells me that, someday, someone will come along and love me for who I am.

The thing is, a lot of people associates darkness with evil because of what the media has been displaying. Ghosts, vampires and what not. But let me tell you something now, since God created both the light and the dark, the two are equally safe and dangerous. Do not be afraid of the dark just because, well maybe there isn't much people. Because you will always find safety and comfort in God.

Darkness.

Him.

Stress.

Everyone has stress. No matter if it's a huge amount or a small amount, we all have stress.

Stress is something that gets to me a lot. Not because I am a perfectionist, but because I am afraid to disappoint people. 

Many of my friends would say, you are just putting unnecessary stress on yourself. I know I am. But what I do not knw, is how to not do it. 

I guess I would say that stress gets to me a lot. Like, a lot. I would vent my anger on those working on the project with me or just people around me. My temper shortens by a lot, even though it was a very 'long' temper to begin with. I become the biggest bitch on earth.

And when I get stressed up about a project, I get very emotional:/ I would suddenly feel like I need someone by my side to keep me going. I would suddenly feel like I need to do more for him. I would suddenly feel like giving up on him.

But when I get these symptoms, I know that I am officially overly stressed. However, amongst all the chaos going on in my head, there will always be a bible verse that floats into my head,

Philippians 4:13

I can do this through him who gives me strength.

I believe that God will not give me more than I can handle and that whatever He gave me to be in charge of, He will provide me with the strength to do it. Because He is my provider, He is my everything, He is my Lord. And I would pray. I would give thanks.

I do not need anyone else, other than Him, to give me strength.

Psalm 56:3

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.

Lord, I will take my hand and lead me. For I am only human.