Do you feel this?

Do you feel this?

As we talked through the day,

about our ambitions

and dreams that never sway. 

Do you feel this?

When it all collapsed?

When I was the one 

who kept you intact.

Do you feel this?

When you're lost and you're tired,

that in every waking hour

you lose a bit to the darkness

But do you feel it?

I'm slipping away.

Because of all those times

you didnt do what you say.

I'm getting tired

because the emptiness

is beginning

To creep up on me

And it's pretty agonizing.

And I feel it.

I'm slipping

Giving in to fate. 

Feelings.

I have never felt so confused in my entire life.

I have been trying to figure out, how do you know if you really love someone? Butterflies fluttering in your stomach? Getting caught at your throat when you talk to him/her? I honestly do not know.

I have been convinced by myself that the person I like is person A, not person B. But I keep finding myself doing stuff for person B unintentionally. Like everytime I do something for someone, for example write a card for any weird reasons, I find myself writing one for person B as well. I do stuff willingly just to please person B. I am so scared that I will piss person B off that I never want to tell him that he is doing something wrong. I just can't.

To me, he has become such an important part of me that I have to hide what I feel for him, just so we can be purely friends as he is attached. I simply can't leave him alone.

And no matter how much he hurts me, no matter how much he stops caring for me, I just can't find it in myself to stop caring for him. I just can't find it in myself to leave him alone especially after all that he has been through. There are so many people around him honestly, but the thing is he says they are all unreal. 

I wonder if that's what he thinks of me too.

I thought I got over my infatuation for him. Apparently not.

Death

Death.

What does it feel like?
Is it darkness that holds nothing else but peace?
Is it silence that makes you relieve?

I know it is a bit too early. My life has barely begun and Im thinking about this. Let me get this straight, I am not suicidal. I just.. Think about it. All of us have a lot of fears. But I guess all our common fear is death. If someone insists they are not afraid, they must have not been on the brink of their death bed.

I, for one, have definitely not been there, hopefully I wont be for awhile. But I have always thought about how I would leave this world. Cancer? Accident? Old age? What other reasons are there? Suicide is definitely off my list considering the fact that I am a Christian and I believe when it is time, God will bring me back to him.

When my troubles get to me, all I yearn for is some time alone, complete darkness and silence. Then I can listen to my own heartbeat, listen to my own mind. Make my own choices. So I guess, it is similar to being dead, just for a few minutes.

I haven't exactly seen someone take their last breath before leaving this world to join Him at home. Is it suppose to be a blink of relieve? That they are finally going home to Our Father? Is it suppose to be a shot of gratefulness? That they are finally leaving this tearful place we call earth?

In anyways, earth is only a temporary place for us to live in. Death is something everyone has to consider, no matter what. We don't all worry about it because to us, younger people, we think that we won't die so young. Accidents to us don't exist. But it does. We never know what is going to happen tomorrow. Today might be the last day you see the person next to you. Because you never know when he/she is going off. You might wake up to a call, realising that someone who means the most to you has alrd left.

To side track a little, is the only time a person is considered dead the time they stop breathing and their heart stops beating? To me, a person is considered dead when he or she stops caring. Let me explain it further. The entire point of living is to explore yourself as a person and explore the world out there. Many of us would also think that the entire point of living is exploring love. When you get hurt enough, regardless by whatever, you feel like you are suffocating in the misery. You cant breathe. You feel like you are drowning in a sea of tears. Click. And then you flip the switch. You stop caring. Stop wishing he would call. You stop dressing yourself up. You stop trying to impress.

You. Just. Stop.

That is when you are dead.
Actually this is worse than death. Death brings you peace, a sigh of relieve that all your tough life is finally gone. You finally don't have to please anyone on purpose anymore. But this. Its like you are a breathing corpse. You live and walk. You breathe and eat, but you no longer smile. You don't trust. You simply Do Not Care.

I guess that is why some people commit suicide. Because at one point in time, they simply cant take society anymore. They simply do not have enough to count on. They simply cant find the reason to live and death seems like a simpler choice.

Yes. Death provides you with so many things living can't. But, because living is tough. The journey is rough. That's why along the way you make friends and so many memories. Treasure them. Because those are the people who are going to get you through your life.

Live a good life.
So that eventually when you return to being an angel, you will be remembered.
Death isn't a scary thing. It reminds you to live. To live life to the fullest.

"Nobody said it was going to be easy."

Perfection.

Looking back at so many things that has happened for the past few years, my definition of perfect boyfriend has thoroughly changed. 

I use to have so many conditions so many different qualities I look for in a guy. 

He must love sports, be tall, be sweet, just your typical fantasy Prince Charming. 

Just today, I was just chilling in a café, watching old videos and reading old articles. I read about an incident whereby a guy hit a girl. I got really upset. Let me get this straight alrightz? I have always and will continue to detest guys who uses violence on girls. I mean, hello?! Guys tend to have more muscles, so basically is taking advantage of the weak?!

Anyways, then I started thinking, like really thinking, about my definition of perfect. Must it really be tall? Hot? Sporty? Sweet? Crazy like me? Awesome? Funzzz? 

While in my train of deep thoughts, I was listening to some deep songs(HAHA) and something just clicked. 

No conditions are needed.

He doesn't have to be hot. He doesn't have to be fun. He doesn't have to be sporty. As long as I am comfortable with him. 

Feelings are all that counts.

But remember, feelings change as people change. What you feel at the start might change for the better or for the worse. So be sure that you are ready. Because before Prince Charming, there are going to be a few toads pretending to be Prince Charming trying to cheat your feelings. 

there will always be someone out there, so never give up on love because it will never give up on you.

Life

Have you ever wondered?
What happened to those who said they would be there forever?
What happened to all those who created memories with you and promise to continue through forever?
What happened?

Well, it is all part and parcel or life that  at one point in time, everyone loses someone or someONES. To be honest, it sucks like hell. When you lose some people, you start to feel insecure.
Is it me?
Am I doing something wrong?
It is time for me to forgive and forget?

No. It is not. I spend half of my short 15 years of life trying to please others. Be friends with people I don't like because of my friends. That's not going to be it this time round. I am going to be who I want to be and be friends with who I want to. Not getting influenced by others.

Society has been implementing this thought of obedience and monophobia. We might not realise it, but society HAS been affecting us in one way or another. Monophobia, it is a fear of being alone. All of us are scared of being alone. We are afraid of being out casted by our friends. Yeah I know that. Personally I was and still am guilty of that. But, I've learnt to be confident with who I truly am. Don't hide any part of yourself, because He made you this way for a special reason. For a special group of people. You might not have met them as you are reading this post, because while writing this, I don't even know where I belong. But keep searching. Keep waiting. Because one day, with a special group of people, you will find your place. Like the last piece of a puzzle. Perfect.

But before that, you probably have to deal with much insecurities and many fake friends. You would probably have to deal with judgements and tears. But what I am here to say is, don't fear my friend. Because all these will be gone the minute you find true friends. All the battle scars will disappear into thin air. All will be worth it.

Sometimes, you might not have realised how lucky you are because while you are searching up and down for friends that fit your list of 'perfect friends', by your side, you might have already have a group of friends by your side when you fall back.

I did admit that I don't know where I belong. But tbh, I have a couple of friends who has always been by me, no matter how close or drifted we are now, I have to say I am lucky to have them.

I am rich, not with money but with friends and I am grateful. Because some people are so poor that all they have is money.  -Benjamin Kheng

Though many of your friends might have grown and left you as time has gone by. But still remember to thank them. Because they were once part of your life. And they once helped you grow and mature into who you are today.

Lift your head and keeping walking Princess/Prince(: Don't let your Tiara/Crown fall.

Darkness.

There are many things that darkness symbolises and well, what darkness symbolises to me would be peace.

Yes, many people associate with bad things. Fear, evil and what not. But don't darkness also symbolises silence? Peace?

To be honest, I like the night more than the day. I like the silence and comfort that the night provides compared to the bustling, bright days. The stars and the moon have always been able to capture my attention compared to the bright sun.

Yes, darkness is always associated with Satan while the light has always been associated with God. But, no. This does not mean that I have to love what the society expects me to love or what the society thinks it is right to love. Because after all, God created both day and night. God created both dark and light. It isn't wrong for me to embrace the dark more than the light.

But sometimes, in the midst of loving the dark and silence, I lose myself to my train of thoughts and my depressed self. I lose myself and I don't know how to get back. I look at myself in the mirror and think, what was I thinking? how could he love someone like me. How could I ever be good enough for him. I look and think, it would be a miracle anyone would think that I look good.

But the thing is, God performs miracles. He puts someone special in my life. A friend. A friend that has never left me, despite the pain I caused. And I am grateful. Because at times when I lose myself, he brings me back. He reminds me of why I am beautiful, that I am perfect in my own little imperfections and it just takes the right person to see it. He tells me that, someday, someone will come along and love me for who I am.

The thing is, a lot of people associates darkness with evil because of what the media has been displaying. Ghosts, vampires and what not. But let me tell you something now, since God created both the light and the dark, the two are equally safe and dangerous. Do not be afraid of the dark just because, well maybe there isn't much people. Because you will always find safety and comfort in God.

Darkness.

Him.

Stress.

Everyone has stress. No matter if it's a huge amount or a small amount, we all have stress.

Stress is something that gets to me a lot. Not because I am a perfectionist, but because I am afraid to disappoint people. 

Many of my friends would say, you are just putting unnecessary stress on yourself. I know I am. But what I do not knw, is how to not do it. 

I guess I would say that stress gets to me a lot. Like, a lot. I would vent my anger on those working on the project with me or just people around me. My temper shortens by a lot, even though it was a very 'long' temper to begin with. I become the biggest bitch on earth.

And when I get stressed up about a project, I get very emotional:/ I would suddenly feel like I need someone by my side to keep me going. I would suddenly feel like I need to do more for him. I would suddenly feel like giving up on him.

But when I get these symptoms, I know that I am officially overly stressed. However, amongst all the chaos going on in my head, there will always be a bible verse that floats into my head,

Philippians 4:13

I can do this through him who gives me strength.

I believe that God will not give me more than I can handle and that whatever He gave me to be in charge of, He will provide me with the strength to do it. Because He is my provider, He is my everything, He is my Lord. And I would pray. I would give thanks.

I do not need anyone else, other than Him, to give me strength.

Psalm 56:3

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.

Lord, I will take my hand and lead me. For I am only human.

August.

I have never thought about cuddling with anyone else besides you. I have never thought about being so close with anyone besides you. So close I can feel your breathing. So close I can hear your heartbeat. So close I can feel what you feel. 

I have never thought about missing someone besides you. I miss you so much that when I breathe it hurts. So much that the moment I turn away from you, my heart tells me to turn and hold you tight.

I have never thought about loving someone the way I love you. It's different. This kind of love, hurts when i don't see you. This kind of love, hurts when I see you with another girl. This kind of love, gives me butterflies, but makes me feel comfortable. This kind of love, helps me pull through my week.

Do you see? 

How much you mean to me?

(( no amount of tea keeps me awake like you do ))

write a poem about something you love.

i had an english assignment on this. I guess all of you know i would probably write about him which is true I guess. so here goes nothing...

I hate how you talk to me

and the way you shaved your head.

I hate how you make me laugh 

even when I'm sad.

I hate the way you dress yourself

because I can't stop looking. 

I hate how you're always right 

even when you're not trying.

I hate when you're not around

and not even call.

I hate the way you make me smile

even when I bawl.

But most of all I hate how

I can't hate you at all.

Not even close

Not even a bit

Not even remotely at all

I never thought how much you would mean to me when I first met you, and honestly, i would have rather not.

It's so hard just thinking about the 'what-ifs'

What if he rejected me?

What if I die tomorrow?

What if he dies tomorrow?

What if I never get to tell him that I love him?

What if he loves me too?

What if 

What if 

What if

But honestly speaking, what are 'what-ifs' if all you're going to do is just think about and worry about it? 

Why not take the first step and go ahead with it?

Instead of worrying about what if he rejects you, think about what if you guys had a future together and start working on that confession because you never know when either or you are going to go.

Instead of worrying about the 'never', think about the 'ever'. Tell him that you love him today and you might be with him forever.

Instead of worrying about if he loves you back, be courageous and tell him. Because you only live once.

It is definitely funny how I can't do it myself. But wait, just hold on. It's not because Idw to. It's because it isn't the right time. 

I will, in time to come. And hopefully, I will be able to win him over. But for now, I just want to make him comfortable. Because big plans are coming(:

The quote for today, 

"To get something you never had,

You have to do something you never did."

Hugs and kisses

Happy July

I'll talk when I want to.

Writing a post partly cos my friend wanted me to. Happy Edna?

Fights. Betrayals. Backstabbing. 

Why do all of them happen?

One simple reason, insecurities.

Insecurities causes you to doubt yourself, hence you feel the need to pull people down so you don't look that bad.

But all of these problems are like math sums, they are long and you really have to work them out until the last part then you find out that it is wrong. But Edna said, but when you go back and work it out right, in the end the ans will still be correct.

But what if you don't want the ans to be correct. What if I'm so sick and tired of nonsense. What if I just want a simple life. I just want a couple of friends who I can count on when I'm breaking down. I just want a couple of friends that understand me.

My friends have been trying to get me to talk to someone I fought with again. But they don't understand. Nobody will understand unless they been through exactly how I did and even then some might be wrong as well.

I understand that she is still friends with my friends so what? I don't have/want to have control over my friends' life right? I mean they can make any friends they want. But if that is the case, wouldnt my friends have to respect my decision as well?

I'm not good at expressing myself with words. I can't apologise face to face. I just can't put my words strong enough to express the feelings I want it to mean. 

Don't judge me for getting angry at her for such an incident because you don't know what my life has been like. 

and trust me, you def won't want to go there.

Moving on.

what is so tough about moving on? some people might ask. well here's my reply.

you think it's easy? letting go of the one person you truly care about? Letting go of someone that you would die for? letting go of the guy/girl that you thought was the best thing that ever happened to you?

you think it's easy letting go of what once use to be part of your life?

well let me tell you, it's not.

moving on, it's something that takes away part of you for awhile. a part that is in-charge of your happiness. moving on, it's like taking away part of a puzzle, leaving it incomplete. moving on, it's like a broken jar, it's empty. so are you when you try to move on. 

but. moving on is part and parcel of life. you might think that meeting he is the most amazing thing that ever happened to you. you might think his smile is what fuels you to go on. but just hold on that thought. and look around. 

there are so many people around you. 7 billion people in the world. and while you think that he is the one, even if he just treats you like a friend, the one might just have walked past you.

so here I have to say something, im currently trying really hard to move on. from a guy that use to like me. from a guy that now... idek. but let me tell you something. he might be the best thing that has happened to me up till now. and if i could pick anyone in the world now in an alternate universe, it would be him. but, i have to come back to reality. I have to come back to a world that i know, chances of him liking me is probably one to a million. and in this world, many a time, people don't get what they want. many a time, people get disappointed. this is just the world we live in. and when things don't go our way, we have to move forward. let go of what was holding us back. I want to move on because if I continue with him, at the end of the day, tears would be shed, hearts would be broken and for me my world would start crumbling. and at the end of the day, I would suffer the most. 

moving on might not be easy. it would probably cause a lot of trouble for you and friends. moving on is worse than a break up. but, you know what. 

it is his lost that he didn't pick you. someone that treated him like he was their world. 

he lost a girl that loved him and you lost a guy that you loved. 

hugs and kisses.

enough is enough

isn't it crazy how one year can change so many things?

In a year, people closest to you can leave you. Then you will have people you never thought you'll be frens with being the closest.

For the past one year so much had happened, it helped me mature as a person. To learn to forgive more easily. But even so, many a times, I still can't control my temper especially when people take me for granted.

Recently, I, again, fell out with one of my friends. But it is only because she was being unreasonable. For the past 2 and a half years, I have grown so much more tolerant towards her than I first met her. I learn to take in all the bullshit she gives my friends and I and just keep it inside. But then , she is taking this for granted. Every time we fight, it is always about the same thing. About how she is always so damn selfish and how she is so self-centred. I can't even count how many damn times we fought over the same thing. She never changes. Not even the slightest thought about it. All she says is, you should accept me for who I am. Yes, I am your friend. I should accept you for who you are. But then again, it is because I am your friend, I have the obligation to tell you when something is wrong with you. Obviously, something is wrong with you. You should be thinking about ways to change and not say everyone should accept you. Because this is the real world. People judge all the time. Im telling you because I want to help you become a better person. But nooooooo, everyone damn person must accept you for who you are. Who the hell do you think you are? A princess? Please. And, like what my title suggests, enough is enough. I can forgive you once, twice, thrice and blah blah blah But don't play with my patience. It doesn't mean that I learn to tolerate you means I don't have a bottom line. And this time, you crossed it bad.The thing is, when she apologised, she said that I was over reacting. Really? Has no one taught you how to apologise? If you don't want to do it, don't do it. It is so insincere.

But the thing here today, is that I am no longer mad at her. I forgave her. It's just that for the past 2 and a half years, she gave me so much drama in life and I don't think that I want to continue it. Because a girl that backstabs isn't worth it.

A little background:
She said I was two faced, I don't like to forgive people and I am a hypocrite to this guy that I was infatuated with.

I mean, what kind of friend is that. If she said it to my face, maybe I wouldn't have been so pissed. But she said it behind my back. But then I guess I should accept her for who she is right. So yeah, I do accept her, but I don't want to be friends with her. 

Acceptance is importance. But so is trust.

I am telling all of you. If you cant do ''Chicks over Dicks" , don't say it.

Enough is enough, don't let someone run all over your head just because she is your friend.

 

restless

restless days. restless nights. restless life.

I can never relax from anything nowadays. Stress just keeps building up. From, netball to acadamics to family to friends and finally to guys. It's hard to keep up. I can't remember the last time i had a good night rest. A night when I just enjoy the silence that nature provides. Instead, all I hear is noises. Just by my ear, cranking up. Noises of other people's voice. Noises of people's judgement. There might be silence, but silence of discomfort. Awkwardness. 

Even with people I'm absolutely comfortable with, there ain't going to be absolute comfort. I've to put my guards up 24/7. No rest. Guarding against anyone and everyone. 

Have you ever had the feeling when you feel like the closest people in your life are about to leave you? I've had it only a million times. It then resulted to distrust in everyone. Every sheet of paper has two sides, someone said, so when one side is dirty, flip to the other side. But what if both sides have so many scars you can't even see what you wrote on it to keep going.

at this point in time, I feel like I can't trust someone too much because when they get me, they are going to throw me away. Just like how everyone else did.

"only you can control your future" 

-Dr Seuss

Is it true? In our society of dishonesty, disloyalty, lack of sympathy, lack of love. Do you think you can solely, on your own, control your future?

I don't think so.

3826

3826. It's a number that means a lot me. It isn't exactly a number, more like a code name. A code name that speaks so much to me. People that knows me, would know what this code means. 

I smile because you are around me.

I live because you make life worth living.

I breathe because I need air like how I need you. 

It's a name. A name that affected for the past one and a half year and still affects me now. My heartbeat increases, my face reddens, butterflies start coming up.

Yet, all I want is to see him every single day. Because he makes my day better just by smiling. He doesn't know that, but he does. A rough week passes, all I need to see is his smile. It makes everything worth it. I force myself to go through such tough weeks with a smile because at the end of the week, I see him. 

My friends would know. My normal relaxed and low voice turns up to a excited and high voice just at the glimpse of him. My friends would know that I turn into a totally different person around him. A better person.

Though I know he'll never be mine, I can't let go. I love him. And this time I'm sure. This time, I am willing to do anything. Even if I get hurt. I do it willingly for him. 

Because

He is worth every single tear I shed

He is worth every effort I make.

I love 3826.

Judging.

Do you remember that girl who always wear hideous outfits when y'all go out together?

Do you remember walking down the streets of Orchard and laughing at how that girl with a slightly overweight body?

Do you remember judging anyone for the slightest thing?

Even if its just how her hair is out of place even the slightest bit.

If your answer to ALL of that is no, you must be lying.

As much as all of us say that we hate people who are judgemental, being nice to you in front of you, but thinking bad about you inside. But we are human. We all have them moments.

Criticizing someone before knowing him/her? I have done it before. It isn't right, but in my opinion, it is perfectly normal. I mean, we are all humans.

Crossing someone out of your clique, just because you don't like the way she talks? Checked.
Turning your back on someone just because you think you guys won't click? Checked.
Talking behind someone's back, unknowingly turning people's back against them because they did something you didn't like? Checked.

All of us do it. No matter how much you say you don't, its all fake. I mean its second nature for us to judge. But it doesn't mean we do them on purpose. Sometimes, we hurt people. Sometimes we get hurt. 

It is part and parcel of life. 

The most important thing is to realise your mistakes and don't make it again. 

The most important thing is to learn not to hurt other people. 

Things you don't know can't hurt you.

It is part of us that we judge, but please learn how to judge and not get caught. Because when your judgement cause someone to start cutting and eventually fall into depression, you are ruining someone's life

Be smart. It's ok to not like someone, but don't run it in their face.

Hugs and kisses:3

Chapter 2-Philophobia.

Philophobia.

Fear of falling in love.

Many might long to fall in love despite the number of times they fail or been betrayed. But some... Are just afraid. Afraid of getting hurt. 

Those that dreams of falling in love but never did might ask, why be afraid? Just keep going and each guy that fails you means one more closer to Mr Perfect. 

But.

Do you know how bad it hurts? It's like dying and coming back alive, only to die again. It's even when you cut your wrists, you can't feel anything, but joy because it feels like the problems are flowing out like the blood. But only when it stops, the problems are still there. It's like jumping off a building, breaking everything in your body, but still lives. It's like being stabbed a million times, but only worse. It's losing everything. Your world. Your heart. Everything. 

If you've been through that, you would definitely think twice about falling in love again, knowing that you might have to go through the same thing again.

Yes. Falling in love might be the best thing you ever experienced. It might define you. It might become the only reason you live. 

But that's also why it can destroy you. When something becomes more important to you than anything else even yourself, it becomes the one thing that can be a threat to you. It can kill you.

And maybe that's why people fear falling in love.

Do you see the cuts

Running all over my heart

Never recovering

Because I keep tripping.

Philophobia.

Hugs and kisses.