restless

restless days. restless nights. restless life.

I can never relax from anything nowadays. Stress just keeps building up. From, netball to acadamics to family to friends and finally to guys. It's hard to keep up. I can't remember the last time i had a good night rest. A night when I just enjoy the silence that nature provides. Instead, all I hear is noises. Just by my ear, cranking up. Noises of other people's voice. Noises of people's judgement. There might be silence, but silence of discomfort. Awkwardness. 

Even with people I'm absolutely comfortable with, there ain't going to be absolute comfort. I've to put my guards up 24/7. No rest. Guarding against anyone and everyone. 

Have you ever had the feeling when you feel like the closest people in your life are about to leave you? I've had it only a million times. It then resulted to distrust in everyone. Every sheet of paper has two sides, someone said, so when one side is dirty, flip to the other side. But what if both sides have so many scars you can't even see what you wrote on it to keep going.

at this point in time, I feel like I can't trust someone too much because when they get me, they are going to throw me away. Just like how everyone else did.

"only you can control your future" 

-Dr Seuss

Is it true? In our society of dishonesty, disloyalty, lack of sympathy, lack of love. Do you think you can solely, on your own, control your future?

I don't think so.

3826

3826. It's a number that means a lot me. It isn't exactly a number, more like a code name. A code name that speaks so much to me. People that knows me, would know what this code means. 

I smile because you are around me.

I live because you make life worth living.

I breathe because I need air like how I need you. 

It's a name. A name that affected for the past one and a half year and still affects me now. My heartbeat increases, my face reddens, butterflies start coming up.

Yet, all I want is to see him every single day. Because he makes my day better just by smiling. He doesn't know that, but he does. A rough week passes, all I need to see is his smile. It makes everything worth it. I force myself to go through such tough weeks with a smile because at the end of the week, I see him. 

My friends would know. My normal relaxed and low voice turns up to a excited and high voice just at the glimpse of him. My friends would know that I turn into a totally different person around him. A better person.

Though I know he'll never be mine, I can't let go. I love him. And this time I'm sure. This time, I am willing to do anything. Even if I get hurt. I do it willingly for him. 

Because

He is worth every single tear I shed

He is worth every effort I make.

I love 3826.